We have a joke, my Aspie daughter and I.
When things get too much and she observes that peculiar glazed look I get in my eyes matching only the heaviness of my heart, she asks: “Have you lost control of your life again Mom? Are you making chocolate pudding?” This always makes me laugh because I know that it is her way of showing me concern and trying to cheer me up.
She says this because when she was little, we used to watch a children’s cartoon called ‘Rugrats’ together. One couple would frequently become distracted beyond reason by their very demanding daughter Angelica’s escipades. In one such epidsode, her father, Stu, was found by his wife, Didi, in the kitchen at 4 o’clock one morning. When she asked him what on earth he was doing in the kitchen at that hour, he said that he was making chocolate pudding because he had lost control of his life.
I know the feeling!
For two years my daughter has languished in her bedroom, her online life her only life other than interaction with her immediate family and occasional days out. Severe social avoidance and anxiety has blighted her ability to do anything else.
I live with her, in her safe, comfortable bubble but I know that I am not doing her any favours by keeping things this way. I won’t be here for ever, she wants to be independent but asks: “How can I be when I can’t even answer the door?”
She says this because she is an obsessive Ebay shopper. All her items are handmade, personally ordered and created. It’s a good job that I am here to answer the door. As it is, we are inundated with those dreaded ‘red cards’ when the postman calls and I am not home. This means another trip across town during the height of the rush hour to present said red card at the sorting office so she can collect her parcel as it can’t wait until tomorrow.
Her latest obsession is that for her 21st birthday she wants a Peach Faced Lovebird. “Where will it go?” I ask resolutely. “In my room, of course!” she replies. This, together, with her Hamster, her corn snake and our two cats. Just perfect.
I sigh and she persists. She would happily have a zoo in her bedroom if it were possible.
Today I became embroiled in a rather heated discussion with her support worker. I became so frustrated that he told me that he was going to put the phone down on me as I was “shouting at him” and that he would not talk to me in this “mood”.
Oh no you don’t mate. Trust me, if I was shouting you would know about it. I say that he owes me an apology but it won’t happen. After all, what am I? I’m just the mother, what do I know?
I want to take my hands off the wheel and let it all go but I can’t.
Instead, I’ll be in the kitchen. So if you see lights on in the small hours, don’t worry. It will only be me, making chocolate pudding.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” – Tim Page
My dear friend, I have nominated you for some awards, please accept, the link is: transcendingbordersblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/22/6-awards/
Thank you so much for reading and liking this post Tazein. As for the award nomination I’m not sure what to say except thank you very much for thinking of me 🙂
Weird …but interesting!
Welcome to my weird life! My daughter and I used to watch the cartoon ‘Rugrats’ together when she was a little girl and this is where the line came from. I used to tease her and say she was like the little girl Angelica who ran her parents ragged! Thanks for reading Sheila, I really appreciate your visits and comments 🙂
Deep breaths and chocolate pudding will help with this! Hang in there, Sherri!
Ha! Bless you Jessie and thank you so much, as always, for all your support! x 🙂
Loved reading this post, If your making chocolate pudding please don’t forget to send me some via internet 😉
Ahhh this is so relieving to read…I thought it was just me that had to have things there & then! If something crops up I have to still get what I want it’s a matter of life or death.
Does your daughter sell stuff on Ebay or buy? (or both) hehe
I got obsessed with Ebay once, but I’ve newly discovered Etsy which I loveeee!
In the end everything falls into place. My parents used to say to me when I used to chant about the fact I would live with them forever ‘What are you going to do when me & mum die?’ & I used to respond with ‘I’ll kill myself then’ Like it was that simple. But now I’m 23 my parents know I do eventually think I will move out but not for ages! But they are fine with that. I can’t imagine life on my own & I would have to have a dog with me if I were to live without my parents & not many places let you have dogs 😦
It’s hard, but you will be fine! I have a really close bond with my mum she is like my parent, best friend, therapist, counsellor, sister all in one. I can’t even imagine having a fun life with out her which makes it even harder! But all you have to do is go at her pace & when she’s ready to try and adapt new things into routine or just get out a bit more etc you just have to be with her every step of the way.
Wow. I can’t say enough what a breath of fresh air your comment here has been to me. Not only that you understand and relate to my daughter but also you know exactly where I am coming from as her mum!
How you describe your living arrangements is exactly the same us with us. We are more than happy for our daughter to live with us, and we are a very happy, joyful little family. Her two older brothers moved out after university but visit regularly and she loves those times. But I do worry about her future! You reminding me to go at her pace is so good as it does help me ‘take my hands off the wheel’ a little and relax in the situation as it is, here and now. Thank you so much for that!
My daughter is crazy about dogs! As well as wanting a bird she has begged me for a dog for years. We always used to have dogs when the kids were little.
Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes as reading it has helped me so much to validate that what I am doing is the right thing! We have the same very close relationship as you and your mum and I will never leave my daughter’s side.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and for taking the time to comment here. Your mum must be so very proud of you and your wonderfully inspiring blog too 🙂
Keep in touch! x
PS Re Ebay, she mostly buys but has been known to sell sometimes. I’ll have to ask her about Esty!
I’m glad it made sense to you 🙂 Sometimes I can’t keep track of what I’m writing!
Exactly and aslong as you are all happy at the moment that is all that matters. The problem is everyone fears the future it’s something we all worry about and try hard to be prepared for but it’s so much easier to live in the present moment as that you have control over but the future is a mere prediction of what’s going to happen & we have no control. So if she’s content at home now then that’s fine I’m sure in years to come she will meet a man etc or friends & find the strength to move away. It may take many years but don’t stress or worry about when etc she will when she’s ready 🙂
I still feel rubbish at the fact I can’t see myself moving out & my younger friend is already flat hunting 😦
You are welcome! If you ever want to talk you know you are more than welcome to comment any time or if you have Facebook I have an account for blogger users to communicate with me better on.
Ahh I love my dogs more than humans lol! It’s terrible really. They are my life!
Of course you are doing the right thing! I just understand better now I’m older that I put my mum through hell sometimes when I’m angry or frustrated but she knows that I can’t control it & the good times always clear up the bad.
I will most definitely stay in touch 🙂
Take care x
Thank you for opening a window for us on this deep and dear to the heart issue. Your persistance will prevail.
And your support means so much, thank YOU 🙂 x
You go girl! Life is a fight and you may just be a trail blazer with the guts to see a fight to the end!
Since you dislike chocolate pudding you would have to be desperate to make one!! Much love xxx
Ah, blessings and thanks to you mumblypeg as always. Day by day, step by step…xxx